Europe – Judgement Day

Europe eh? Bloody hell. Husbands against wives, brothers against sisters, dogs against cats, hamsters against gerbils. And that’s just my house. Yes, I know you’re bored with it. The claims and counter-claims, the lies and counter-lies, the smug faces and biased media. But, wake up for a minute. Here’s the really important, nay incredible bit. We get to choose. Really! Well, as long as you use an indelible marker pen so the secret service can’t alter your vote.

europe1Who would have thought that we, the British people, would ever be given a chance by the ruling elite to vote for what we really want? And get this! This time it’s one person one vote! I think they call that democracy. Compare this to the last general election when only 66% bothered to vote. The Tory Party only got 37% which means that once again we have a minority government that approx. 76% of the people didn’t vote for!

Normally politicians will say anything to get our little crosses in their box, then spend four or five years ignoring our wishes while they line their own pockets on the back of our hard labour. But this time, it’s different. This time it’s got personal. Some would say far too personal and I’d agree. This vote could result in our political classes seeing their easy money disappearing as quickly as an African leaves Africa these days.

And this is why the airwaves, blogs, social media, TV, radio and even our pubs are full of it. Europe I mean, not bullshit, although there is a fair amount of that too. Now this decision will no doubt have some limited effect on us, the unwashed masses, but for the suits at the top of the butter mountain our decision could have very serious consequences. For the working class, struggling to make ends meet every week, a Remain vote or a Brexit probably won’t change much. We’ll still have the same political class in government. They’ll still be earning big bucks gambling on the stock markets while we eek out an existence and complain about the price of a pint.

As Joe Strummer said ‘the future is unwritten’, so ‘should we stay or should we go’? Well, I’ve been racking my brain for months and have finally decided, quite firmly, that I’m undecided. If the question was ‘Should we join the EU?’ I think most people would say ‘Non’ to us giving away hundreds of millions of pounds a week to tens of thousands of unelected Johnny foreigners who spend it all on grandiose schemes like straightening our bananas, but that isn’t what we’re being asked.

Ministry_of_Silly_WalksOK, so let’s look at some of the great and the good who are desperate for us to throw our love spuds on their barbecue. Out of touch, posh Etonian’s Cameron and Osborne, who want to privatise your granny, sell off the NHS to their friends in the pharmaceutical companies and send us back to Victorian times where we’ll eat gruel and be whipped for not doffing our hats quickly enough. They want us to stay in, even though they actually want us to leave so they can return to these good old days far faster. Then there is bonking Boris, fisherman’s friend Gove and irritable Duncan syndrome. They also want exactly the same as Cameron and his porky chums but say ‘Leave’! No wonder we’re confused, it’s almost as if this EU thing is just a game to them, to see who’ll become the next fascist leader of our less than free world.

And then there is the Labour Party. You remember them, the BBC used to allow them airtime occasionally. They were dead against us joining when national treasure Cliff Richard’s friend Ted Heath was kindly taking young lads for trips on his yacht. But nowadays they are mostly all for it. Wish they’d make up their mind! OK, to be fair only 4% of Labour MPs want to leave while 56% of Tories want to remain. So it’s as clear as mud what our career-representatives think (or don’t think, as the case may be).

Big business wants us to stay in, while small business wants out. The Greens and the scientists can see our planet melting if we let our current government have more say so also want to remain.

Oh dear. Looks like it’s up to us to work it out for ourselves. That could be a disaster, we’re not used to logical thought are we? That’s why we have politicians. To do our talking for us. Stops them messing up proper jobs. So let’s ask ourselves ‘what has the EU ever done for us’, apart from abolish the ministry for silly walks?

Workers rights have improved in Europe of course, especially for all those Polish descendants of our Battle of Britain Spitfire heroes who are now working in dynamic, meat-packing Merthyr. However, an over-abundance of job agencies has meant locals are overlooked in favour of Eastern europeans, which is a bad thing.

Many say our NHS would collapse without all the agency nurses we get from overseas but they can also double up as translators when we treat our EU cousins. Mind you I have to say that neither side has stated the bleeding obvious here. If we do vote leave and can control immigration better we can still employ EU doctors and nurses if we want to surely?

Most of our farmers are better off under the EU, although how Tesco can get away paying pennies for Welsh lamb is beyond me. Our fishing industry has been killed off by Europe but our environment is much better protected and pollution laws are more stringent.

Eurovision-song-contest-logoOK, what about the blue flag projects we see everywhere in Wales I hear you say? The A470, Ponty Lido and the dodgy pavements were all built with European money. Hooray! Mind you, we did give it to Brussels in the first place, then had it back minus a colossal admin fee, before it was topped up with more of our own money, which comes from the local council, via the Welsh Assembly, via Westminster, after we pay our taxes to London, then get subsidised to live in poverty because of antiquated maths devised by an evil goblin in a faraway kingdom somewhere in middle earth. I’m sure there’s an easier way of feeding people, building bridges and winning Eurovision?

Wales is a net beneficiary of the EU of course and will be until 2020, when we won’t be, because all our EU money will have to go to pay for even poorer countries than us.

Greece may default, and maybe even Grexit, while suicides are up 35% in a little less than 2 years there thanks to German austerity. Is this the future of the EU project? The future is indeed worrying. If the UK leaves Finland and Sweden also might consider it. Could we dismantle the EU and start again? Might put the price of a cuppa up in Strasbourg for a while if they lose their monthly income.

Bloody immigrants! That’s what the Germans would call us if we travelled there freely, took German jobs and got paid five times what we get paid here. But not many of us speak the lingo. Shame. I fancy living off Bavarian lager.

And what about these so-called trade agreements with Japan, Switzerland, Norway, and Brazil we could have? What about ISIS terrorists in boats off Kent and Norfolk? What’s wrong with a points system? The Six Nations has one. Will we be able to resurrect the British Empire and reclaim India if we vote leave? Might help our cricket team. Not so sure though, always crowd trouble there.

Talking of Empire, the Queen has been decidedly quiet on the topic. Apparently she wants to leave. A bit like all the men and women the same age as her, i.e. older people. They want Brexit because they’re scared about Turkey joining and have never really embraced the kebab culture. Younger voters on the other hand have a bigger and far more important decision to make. Should they go to Glastonbury or care about mobile phone roaming charges and vote stay?

OK, there it is. A broken Britain, a knackered EU, a sick world run by evil people – a depressing future either way. And so on that happy note, over to you, the people, to vote. And whatever you choose – please do vote. You may not get the chance again.

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