Ponty Prime Minister

‘Twas the night before the Labour leadership election and not a creature was stirring in the south Wales valleys. Well, apart from the usual scuffles between two obese, Kardashian lookalikes arguing over whose kebab is bigger whilst trying to strangle each other with their own stockings outside Soul Suite, but that goes without saying.

wolf-of-wall-streetThey say a week is a long time in politics, but recently it’s been like a badly-scripted soap opera or extended episode of House of Cards. We’ve had #Brexit in the valleys (that’s us by the way, us who get far more out of Europe than we put in), Cameron (the worst PM in 100 years if you read newspapers that have somehow forgotten how evil Thatcher was) gone, bonking Boris stabbed in the back by a grinning jester, nasty Nigel making a mint on his Euro speculation, and a Nazi mum who gave way to another investment banker‘s wife.

Then the really funny bit. Angela (can’t string a sentence together properly) Eagle decides to stand against Jezza, the man of the people, voted in by a bunch of loony lefties who wouldn’t know a proper job if their overpaid union could save one for them. Well, this is what we’re told by the mainstream media anyway… I mean, just look at Corbyn’s policies! It appears the UK has at last found a real politician who speaks for us all:

  • Corbyn is against PFI schemes
  • He supports a higher rate of income tax for the wealthiest
  • He wants to recoup losses from tax avoidance / evasion by investing £1 billion in HMRC
  • He opposes austerity
  • He opposed the new Welfare Bill, describing it as “rotten and indefensible”, after it emerged that thousands of disabled people had died after being found fit to work
  • He has said that the NHS should be “completely publicly run and publicly accountable”
  • He envisions the establishment of a “National Education Service”, a return to local authority over state-funded academies and free schools, and an end to the charitable status of public schools
  • Corbyn has campaigned strongly against tuition fees in England and advocates the restoration of maintenance grants, which were replaced with loans by the Tories
  • He is a pioneer of LGBT equality, Corbyn championed such causes as the Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners (great film btw!)pride
  • In 1975 he opposed Britain’s membership of the EU, then in 2015 he said that if Cameron negotiated away workers’ rights and environmental protection he would not rule out Brexit, then in 2016 he said that there was an “overwhelming case” for staying in the EU
  • He has been a consistent supporter of renationalising public utilities
  • He is a long-standing supporter of a United Ireland
  • He believes the royal ceremony for the State Opening of Parliament should be abolished and that Britain should become a republic and abolish the House of Lords
  • He has criticized Britain’s close ties with Saudi Arabia, yet he’s a total wimp as regards bombing ISIS
  • He has called for Tony Blair to be investigated for alleged war crimes
  • He opposes the replacement of Britain’s Trident nuclear weapons system and suggested that the 11,000 jobs supported by Trident could be replaced by “socially productive” jobs in renewable energy, railways and housing
  • He is a strong environmentalist, would ban hydraulic fracking, phase out fossil fuel extraction, and invest in public transport to improve air quality. He is also against the building of new nuclear power stations
  • Corbyn has been a long-time campaigner on animal rights issues and opposes the Yulin Dog Meat Festival

miss_islamOK, not perfect, but he’s getting there. If it was me I’d add a few tweaks: i.e. a living income in order to abolish the benefits system, reclassify Islam as a political ideology, boycott China (until they stop human rights abuses, stop killing elephants and rhinos, and withdraw from Africa, Tibet and the Philippines), deportation of foreign criminals, abolish public schools, ban job agencies, limit public servants salaries, and introduce the death penalty for paedophiles.

But back to Westminster, or as we in Wales call it – whatever ‘shite’ the BBC, Channel 4 or ITV want to tell us about our elected representatives this week. One thing we do know, it’s never the truth.

And so it seems the career-focused, media-savvy political class are at a loss. They can’t explain Brexit ‘cos they are so out of touch with reality, their media chums can’t give Jezza any decent platform ‘cos they’re scared stiff people might hear what he has to say and agree with him! Just read that list of policies again! So they are floundering big time.

Think about it. My God, what if people actually voted for him? Then the current crop of politicians would be out of their highly paid jobs for life, their middle-class school friends in the press might lose their cushy little numbers writing shit columns for the Sunday broadsheets, the status quo would be upset and the workers might actually get a decent standard of living from the 5th richest country in the world.

Then… Wow! said Kate Bush.

owensmithJust when you thought you’d had enough of this London-centric, reality-TV gameshow and were about to switch the telly over to watch ‘celebrity big island loves my brother dancing with a singing cake’, what we in Ponty have known for about six or seven years finally happens! Yep, our very own (I use that word loosely) ex-shadow cabinet minister Owen (son of Dai) Smith chucks his sugar plums on the workers party bonfire saying Labour needs both a “radical and credible” leader.

You couldn’t make it up! Mmm, radical eh?  OK, let’s compare policies with red Jezza.

Oily (as he’s known locally) Smith is well known for:

  • He supports PFI
  • As a lobbyist for Pfizer, he wanted to privatise the NHS
  • He also strongly supported Tony Blair’s city academies
  • He is a strong supporter of Trident and has friends in the arms industry
  • He has voted for military action in Libya and Iraq
  • He abstained on the Tory welfare benefit cuts

There seems to be no evidence whatsoever that Owen Smith is left wing. There is plenty of evidence that he is yet another, in a long line of, New Labour career politicians, who’ll say anything to win votes.

biased_mediaBut what the hell, we’re used to being screwed over in Wales. We’ve had a 100 years of it so why expect any change now? At least the TV will be fun for the next few months. From the partisan Welsh media circus expect two months of how crap ‘Corbynista’ is and how useless little ‘Eaglet’ is, and how great our local lad is of course, but after two months of mud throwing, we might, just might, have a Welsh winner once again. OK, we didn’t actually win the Euros, but we did lose to the eventual champions, and they were lucky anyway… if Ramsey had played… sorry, getting carried away here.

Anyway the Labour party will announce a winner on the eve of the Labour Party conference on 24 September.

Owen recently said – “I can heal the party and be a credible leader and next Labour prime minister.” Mr Smith also said he would vote to support the renewal of the UK’s Trident nuclear weapons system in a Commons vote on Monday. Not quite sure how nuclear missiles ‘heal’ things but never mind that, if Ponty can get it’s first PM then what’s a few kilograms of uranium, plutonium and tritium between friends? Some would say Ponty town centre needs it.

precinct1_600Ponty people will know Owen quite well of course as he is a regular supporter of Ponty RFC. In fact, not long after he was elected as our new MP (after ‘shredder Howells’ took to his easel full-time) he even introduced himself to me once at the club (no idea why?), guess it was ‘cos someone told him I write this crap? Lol.

So we have an exciting time ahead in British & Welsh politics that’s for sure. I’m looking forward to the EBC vans’ sat-navs sending them to dead-ends in Cwmaman and the locals directing them over the Rhigos. Maybe Owen can introduce the inevitable, politically-correct, media scrum to the Tuesday dinnertime crowd of The Wonky for a more ’rounded’ appreciation of the problems facing the UK’s citizens today?

Perhaps we the people of Pontypridd can forget about the gibberish we hear daily by (and about) people we know nothing about and instead listen to new gibberish by (and about) people we know everything about! It’ll be so funny, like a re-run of The Office or Fawlty Towers. Exciting times indeed.

fp_closedownBut, here is the really great thing. Owen Smith could actually win. He could become the next leader of the Labour party! He could become the next Prime Minister! Wow! Imagine that. Our very own Ponty boy could finally sort out the major problems of the town (see photos) and the globe!

He could force Bargain Booze to open for longer, get a valleys, regional rugby team back! He could get the council to approve my application for a lap-dancing bar on Taff Street and he could even get the precinct developed.

He might even ban job agencies and create proper jobs in Wales? Remember those days? Now there’s a thrilling prospect! Maybe politics is worthwhile after all?

Then again, maybe the people won’t be fooled and he’ll go back to selling drugs for erectile dysfunction after his political career is ruined. Who cares really?

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7 Responses

  1. A B says:

    Oh dear, silly boy. Oily has only gone and pissed off 17 million voters who voted for Brexit by trying to appeal to everyone. Fat chance of any working class wanting the drug company lobbyist as Labour leader now, shame. What idiot advised him to say he’d have a second referendum, it’s not the best of three is it!

  2. Ponty lad says:

    Nice column Dave, you did your best to NOT tell the rest of the U.K. what we in Ponty know about Oily. Hope he appreciates your silence when he’s arse-licking his way to his next job for the boys. Maybe the UK media need to take a closer look at the less than wholesome pies he has his fingers stuck in, or perhaps look at all the public money his father has ‘administered’ over the years?

  3. John says:

    Love your article!

    • BorisT says:

      Well, I’m shocked that someone who was selected for a safe Labour seat in Ponty has a CV which any true blue Tory would be proud of. What were the local CLP doing? They obviously must have been infiltrated by Tory party moles.

      My ghast is completely flabbered!. I think I’m having a nightmare, but can’t seem to wake up.

      BTW, thanks for a great post which throws much light on why the Labour party has had so many problems for the last 30 years or so. Loved it.

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  5. Dewi says:

    This guy does not believe in Democracy. He wants another referendum. He treats the voters of Pontypridd with contempt. Another Metropolitan London centred MP. Don’t vote for this clown.

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